triggers: eating disorder
Hello :) Gabrielle. 5’7 and 127 lbs. (the pic above is of me and younger sister)
My friends always told me i was crazy for not liking my body. That i was skinny and that i should just shutup. I know they were joking around and just trying to get it through my head that i look fine but i was still so convinced my body wasnt good enough and that i could look so much better with a little effort.I had a friend who was constantly looking at stick thin girls on facebook and envying thier bodies, i had never been the kindah person to compare myself to others but after you hang out with certain friends for awhile their actions start to rub off on you, and so i started comparing myself to others too. I know she did not intentionally mean for me too follow into her habbit and shes a good friend, but it ended up rubing off on me. I slowly and gradually started hating my body. My stomach was not a perfect flat line. my thighs touched the slightest at the top, my butt was too big, my hair wasnt long and straight, my cheeks to full. Things i had never cared about suddenly were ALL i saw. I promised myself that starting on New Years i would start a diet and loose 10 pounds. My goal: 117 lbs.
Now i see how unrealistic that was. Im a runner. I have muscle. there is no way i can be that thin… I counted calories, i would only allow myself 1200 a day which wasnt enough because im an avid runner and burn off most of what i eat. I was always so hungry but i would just drink lots of water and chew lots of gum. I got down to about 122 and happy with my progress ate some chips… i forgot how good junk tasted… so i had some poptarts too, eventually i ate so much crap when i finally stopped shoving my mouth full i was overwhelmed with guilt and regret. “why did i just do that” “what have i done” “All that dieting…down the drain.” And then a sick idea formed in my head…
I told myself this was a one time thing. JUST this ONCE. Forcing myself to throw up, just wasnt something i thought i would ever try doing. And “Just this once” has turned into a 10 month battle.
My mom caught on and found out and since then has helped me through this and built me up with her pep talks. She tells me that im beautiful and gorgeous <3 I could go weeks with out purging, her voice in my mind, a helper. But everyonce in awhile i would give in to the other voice that said “just do it, whats the harm?” I am getting better but that isnt good enough. a week ago i made a promise to myself and to God that I WILL NEVER MAKE MYSELF DO THAT AGAIN. And it has been a struggle so far. I know i can do this. I just need to be strong. I am no longer putting myslef sown. YES i have a butt YEAH my stomach as a little pouch and i have thick leg muscles. But THIS is who i am. This is my body. Everyone has a differnt body shape and all of them are beautiful and this just happens to be mine. And its time i start loving myself again <3 this is me. Im not sure who will see this but i really hope for support and no judgements. And thanks to my friend Keyasha, who told her story and inspired me to tell mine.
